Not much has changed over the past couple of days (other than anticipating my upcoming court date, Lord help me) except that I am 106 days sober. Hot damn. I can’t believe that I’m in the triple digits! Sobriety is the best gift that I have ever given myself. It’s not about the amount of days/months I have of being sober – it’s about learning about sobriety and using the tools that I have learned in the 12 steps and incorporating them in my everyday life.
I was working with my sponsor the other day on steps 4 and 5 (I’ve been in-between sponsors, that’s a WHOLE different story). I wrote out my resentments, and what I think my character defects are. I’m not going to share what/who they are, because that’s something that I should keep between my sponsor and I. Some things are best left unsaid! 🙂
My sponsor told me that she “couldn’t imagine getting sober at my age.” Yes, I’ve heard it time and time again, and I have touched on it in previous blog posts. I’m young. I’m 23 (I’ll be 24 July 5th!) and I have decided to live a sober lifestyle. Everyone around me – including those inside of the rooms of AA and out- has expressed how “hard” it must be for me (it’s hard for everyone, isn’t it?). I don’t think age has anything to do with choosing to be sober- I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I am choosing to not go through years of misery, and it frightens me to think about the person I may have become if I continued to drink the way that I did.
My sponsor continued to say that she sees the dedication that I have in sobriety. That is one of the best compliments that I have ever received. I often wondered if people thought I was there for shits and giggles. She continued to say that sees the difference between other individuals my age who are on their phone for the duration of a meeting, and me- the one who is soaking up all of the wisdom everyone in the room has to offer. She sees that I really want sobriety, and that I am willing to go any lengths to achieve it. She said that she sees how much I have transformed since I first walked into the rooms of AA. From embarrassed, shy, and closed-off to bubbly, outgoing, and confident.
And she’s exactly right. I am incredibly dedicated to sobriety. Even if it means that I have to skip out on a social gathering because it may trigger relapse. It means that I am willing to let go of my old “friends” that enabled my alcoholism. It means that I have to make amends to the people that I’ve hurt, write out my character defects, and give my life to the care of my Higher Power as I understand Him. It means that I’m willing to pick up the phone to talk to another alcoholic when I’m having the urge to drink (easier said than done! Trust me). I’m dedicated to growing in the fellowship of AA, helping another alcoholic, and to become the best version of myself. I’m dedicated to being (and working) an honest program, even when I’m doing something wrong. I’m dedicated to staying sober for another 24 hours.
Many of my friends who aren’t in the program are congratulating me, telling me how inspiring I am, and telling me how “easy” I make sobriety look. Let’s get one thing straight– sobriety is hard work!! Believe you me, sobriety is an every day battle. If sobriety was easy, everyone would do it. If sobriety was easy, relapses wouldn’t occur as often as they do. I have been through hell and back, and finally, for the first time in my life, I’m comfortable. I’m happy. I’m done with the absolute insanity that alcohol created. Alcohol created a person that was depressed, impulsive, and irresponsible. Alcohol made me feel like I was a prisoner. I am willing to put the work in so that I can be happy, joyous, and free. And that has made all the difference.